“If you can’t get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”
Hearing the voice.
The scapegoat makes the dysfunctional family function.
The scapegoat becomes the negativity sponge, the subject of hate; The ultimate black sheep. As there is a scapegoat, most often a narcissist is behind the scene.
It is hard for anyone to fathom the difficulties a scapegoat faces in their families. As they come to realise the effect narcissist dynamics has had on them- their self esteem and the way they live their lives changes as they begin to realise how deep this core seated pain runs.
Perhaps they have unknowingly brought out their fractured sense of self into society, where they have become victims of abusive relationships and friendships, failing to understand the idea of a normal friendship where they are not required to carry unnecessary burdens, and where love and kindness is given unconditionally.
Perhaps they have not yet learned that the positives of emotion are not supposed to be earned, but given without conditions. By the time the scapegoat realises their role in the family system, it is critical that they find a way to some support in order to heal. To a significant other who hears their voice and does not dismiss it.
In itself, this is a dangerous and challenging time for the individual. As the abuse continues and the voice of a scapegoat is drowned out in their usual torment, they can begin to turn apathetic. Go back to residing in the role that has been assigned to them. By consciously understanding what has happened to them, and even the way it works, they can fully feel how this still doesn’t heal these core wounds that have never had a chance to close. If you find yourself stuck in the situation, that is, stuck waking up to the abuse, the loneliness, the bullying, and then having it again and again, and yet you are so afraid of the world because you could hardly walk around your house without being belittled, then the frustrations are intensified beyond belief.
You’re captive. Your whole system is working overload to figure out a way to escape the situation, and all the while among trying to make sense of your surroundings the dynamics continue. Slowly, the words become empty and you drift into what feels like endless apathy. You no longer have the emotion to react, to defend, to speak. You do not even have the emotion to leave. You have no desires, no goals, no nothing. You become nothing.
And the loneliness? The loneliness is always there coupled with the vast misunderstood void in your life that others will never hear you and take your voice as significant. The loneliness haunts you in your dreams, in your waking moments and it steals your breath away. And you fear that you will be lonely in the next life too. You fear that you will be lonely for eternity and you pray to any God that their isn’t an afterlife and to just end your existence so that you can completely cease to exist and really be nothing.
Being selfless and told: “All you care about is yourself”
The scapegoat will never escape undamaged. These individuals are often hypersensitive, and hyper stimulated, despite the fact they probably repress any signs as to being this way.
The narcissist owns an incredibly sharp critical eye. This critical eye is not trained to look at self, but trained to look at others. And most intensely, on their scapegoat. The scapegoat sits in the critical eye, feeling naked and stripped to the bones. They have no voice in this light, no gravity. The truth holds no weight, as the critical eye does not listen. The critical eye sees what it wants to see, and then criticizes it. And most of the time we obtain some undercurrent of confusion. A general off-ness. Like anyone would if they were made to live under such criticism. It doesn’t make sense. You have trouble lining the pieces up and understanding why it happened. But you can wonder why forever, or you can try to detach yourself from your constrictions and heal.
There is not one aspect that survives violation when you are the scapegoat. You are not raised to develop a sense of self. You are just a play thing to project wants, needs, issues and insecurities onto. You are not allowed to reject your insults, and if you do then you are imagining it. (See Gas-lighting) You are not allowed to go against the narcissist otherwise you are selfish. You are the scapegoat. And you are not allowed to be depressed about it, because if you are you are accused of being “selfish and ungrateful of a family that loves you” and in need of “getting a life”. Not only that, but you are so depressed that you are accused that you must “enjoy being miserable”.
Allowing yourself to feel sad in a negative environment is what deems you as selfish. You are not allowed to walk past the narcissist without being picked apart. If you don’t give yourself over as narcissist supply then you will be told you “are angry” and “hate everyone” and that it’s “no wonder you don’t have any friends”, so you have never actually done anything wrong, but you are convinced you that you have. They will give no answers, and they will raise their voice above you to drown you out. In time you will realise that just the fact they have to use their volume of voice to drowns you out means they know subconsciously that your words hit home. That they shine light on the white elephants in the room. The things the narcissistic personality thrives only by ignoring. And this is why they deny them.
No child is depressed without cause. No child enjoys being depressed. No child grows insecurities at core depth if they were raised by able and consistently loving parents. Parenting is a job that comes with unconditional love. It is an automatic role, and it is only those who lack the necessary emotions to perform this role, that override the systems of their children and others who have no choice but to rely on them. We do not have to buy rights to and bid for our emotions. Our souls are not to be bought and sacrificed in return. We are not out of touch with our emotions unless we are giving that much and receiving that much violation that we lose our sense of self.
We do not lose our sense of self without a complete and all engulfing power that has had the opportunity to undermine our core foundations, and leads to a loss in sense of identity from the earliest stages of life.
We do not become beings without structure, without self, without mind, unless we have been manipulated in such subtle, insidious and closeted ways, that we cannot, for much too long, understand the truth that is right in front of us the whole time. That it was never your fault. That influences around you have created a system that you are unwillingly a part of.
It is often the most crucial self-preserving lessons in life that we are denied from learning. A violation of emotional boundaries, or a neglect to meet basic emotional needs, creates a lack of “emotional firewalls”- thus, the scapegoat probably invites more and more abuse and negativity into their lives. Because y’know, home sweet home, it just feels normal to be hurt and slighted.
(It’s interesting to note about the link between BPD and narcissist parents. On wikipedias page about Borderline Personality (Which definitely has its flaws but I chose it since I’m sure every googler of BPD would click on the Wiki article) it says about the development of the disorder the following:
“They were also much more likely to report having caregivers (of both genders) deny the validity of their thoughts and feelings. They were also reported to have failed to provide needed protection, and neglected their child’s physical care. Parents (of both sexes) were typically reported to have withdrawn from the child emotionally, and to have treated the child inconsistently”
Does this not sound like narcissist characteristics in parents towards their child? I think there is a strong link between Narcissistic parents and Borderline development in their offspring)
Obviously, If we had been raised by the hands of those capable of providing a stable foundation of love and support, we would reject the kinds of friendships and relationships, as scapegoats, we find ourselves making. We would understand how unhealthy they are. Rather we have to come to the realisation ourselves, that these kinds of friendships aren’t normal. We would understand that is is not normal to be abused. To be treated as worthless.
We were taught to put self-second, raised to blame self, and hurt self, and so we are in no position to come to an understanding why we do not deserve abuse from others we meet in life. We were raised to believe we were just too weak, and so therefor should be treated as such. In believing we were weak, we tested how far we could allow ourselves to be hurt, in order to prove we weren’t. There’s nothing to it though. We could not improve ourselves by hating ourselves into it. We could not destroy ourselves trying to show you we weren’t weak, because you had no reason to believe we were in the first place. I see now in so many of these families, it is the strongest one, the one with the most open mind, the most imagination, that becomes the once who is set up in the scheme. Painted as the defiant, and raised to be the shock absorber. The one who believes he is the bad guy among good people. The truth teller. The giver. Who ends up giving everything, and then is made to feel bad about it.
However, I can tell you, the power that you feel the day you realise that you have been a puppet, the day the curtain is lifted from your eyes and you see the world for what it is, is indescribable. There is the smallest and brightest flame of power that comes from the middle of your core. It shines so brightly that you are in awe of it. You ‘feel’ for the first time. You finally understand that YOU have emotions and you are NOT to be told how you feel. It is the voice of justice, it is the voice of the outspoken. It is unswayed. It is the voice of wisdom and adversity, and this voice, though linked with a lifetime of inner conflicts, will not go out once it has flickered into life. It is you, the little sprout that was not allowed to grow. The little flower that was taught it was a weed. And the knowledge of self, is the greatest miracle you could ask for. You have paid your life again and again for it, but it will not let you hate yourself any longer. It will tell you in gentle words why the cruel voices in your mind are wrong. And eventually, you can help turn the lights of others on too.
You can only heal yourself through love.
In the end, it’s a big puppet show where the audience, the actors and you yourself are convinced by the complex and subtle ways which you have been manipulated, to believe that it is all your fault. And this is so toxic, so intense, that you get to the point where you no longer have the energy to hate yourself all the time. Hating yourself is a full time job. There is no rest, no lunch break. You hate yourself in the morning, and you hate yourself all day, and you go to bed hating yourself. And if that’s not enough, you hate yourself in your dreams too. If there is nothing to hate yourself about, you don’t have to worry because your narcissist is going to tell you how you feel. “You’re angry” they are going to say, and you’ve long lost the ability to understand you have emotions and you just become a canvas. They will paint you as they please. “You’re ungrateful” and then you spend time intensifying yourself hate as to why you are so ungrateful. You can even create reasons as to why you must be ungrateful in order to justify the self hate. You don’t even realise you are sacrificing your own innocence to make yourself mentally accountable for the insults and the accusations that aren’t even yours to own!
They say you’re miserable and need a smile on your face. But it keeps slipping. And you are slowly finding that the elements don’t fit together. That it just doesn’t feel right inside you. The more families you see, the more it becomes obvious that something is off. Yet all the while you punished yourself for being too weak to commit suicide, you realise it isn’t fear that is keeping you from killing yourself. No, it’s something else. And you can’t figure out what it is. And every time you get close, they attack you again and you fall back. It’s two steps back, for every toe forward. And if you’re “lucky” you might come to realize what this little stubborn element inside you is. It is the voice of you. The one you were forced to ignore since you came into this world. The one you never had a choice to listen to. The one they convinced you was wrong, and stupid, and ungrateful and selfish. It speaks to you so quietly, and so outspoken that it knocks your feet out from under you, and you have no choice but to listen. The world dulls, the voices mute, and you finally listen to what it has to say. And you want to cry and scream, and hurt and feel angry at everything you have had denied this little voice, of all the time it has lost, of all the damage it has taken, the injustice it has been served. Of how difficult the path ahead is going to be with the wounds you have obtained. And the lack of trust you feel towards absolutely everyone. And you want justice for it.
You want to be acknowledged that it is wrong. You want to be consumed by anger, all the anger you have for those who have hurt you. But the voice tells you that anger is just anger, and you no longer can hold it. You must dedicate your time to loving yourself. Even while you’re standing there and they’re going off at you, yelling, insulting, manipulating. It’s different now. They can’t stick their fingers in your mind and cross the wires. The voice is telling you, that you don’t need the anger, the hate and the need to be acknowledged. Because at least you know now. At least you can stand above the master puppeteer and watch the way she manipulates the play. The voice tells you that while you aren’t going to be heard, you can find a small, minuscule place inside yourself and try, try, try and comfort yourself. It tells you that there is no benefit in debating, in convincing others, because the truth is to be felt inside. There is no need to convince others you are worthy of emotions and happiness. It is you who needs to know, and it is you and only you who can hear the voice and take it as the center of your universe until the voices of those who almost destroyed it are just shadows banging on the windows, doing and saying anything to get your attention back again. This quiet resolve is alarming to them. They could never imagine you picking yourself up from complete and utter hell.
And even if you can’t continue with the wounds you have, as I know some can’t, and some haven’t, the voice will not hate you through it, or through anything. Because you found that voice again, and now you can take the voice and you can take your truth. You’ve found your core, and if that is all you need, then you need not struggle here anymore.
The realization of your inner voice is bright and innocent. What you need to realize is that is it easily misled. It was once wasn’t it? Early in childhood, you learnt to believe it wasn’t worthy of listening too. Innocence is a beautiful thing, but innocence is also very trusting. Innocence can easily be taught the wrong lessons. Now you need to know that you need support, but you need to get it from the right places. Don’t expect people to listen to your voice and understand. Some will turn away and act as if what you just said is irrelevant. This can cause you a major set back. It can make you believe again that you must be wrong in speaking out. No. There are those that will listen. Those who will register your words, and those who will finally say to you that it’s okay. It’s okay because you have someone who can see you now. In all your truth.
You will not be told how you feel.
You will feel how you feel.
You will not disregard your beliefs.
If you are told what you should believe.
You are not to hate yourself for being weak,
When you are the one who has been so strong.
You will not carry burdens that drag you down,
As it is not your job to make the dysfunctional function.
You are not to fear when your words go unheard,
As you will believe the words you speak inside.
You will not live in fear of losing yourself,
As you know in your heart the ultimate truth of these convictions.
You will not be misled by self hate and anger,
As you know your love keeps your light from going out.
You will not fret when you have no one beside you,
Because you have learned the lesson of being comforted by yourself.